Attachment wounds run deep. But what is an attachment wound? 

An attachment wound is an emotional injury that occurs when our early relational needs for safety, love, and connection are not consistently met by our caregivers. 

These wounds develop in childhood but continue to affect our emotional well-being and relationships well into adulthood.

You might be here because you have noticed patterns in your adult life that you want to shift in some way. We’re glad you’re here. Let’s unpack attachment wounds, their impact, and how you can heal.

How Attachment Wounds Develop

As children, we rely on our caregivers to meet all of our needs - not just physical necessities but also emotional and psychological security and attunement. When caregivers are emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, critical, or neglectful, we internalize messages about our worth, safety, and the reliability of relationships.

Attachment wounds can form from:

• Emotional neglect – caregivers who are physically present (provide food, clothes, housing) but emotionally distant or misattuned.

• Inconsistent caregiving – unpredictable responses to needs, leading to anxiety and insecurity.

• Harsh criticism or rejection – being shamed, blamed, or made to feel “not good enough.”

• Lack of comfort or soothing – not being reassured or supported in times of distress.

• Over-control or enmeshment – lack of freedom to develop independence, trust in yourself, creating difficulties in learning to healthfully self-regulate and co-regulate.

• Abandonment or loss – actual or perceived rejection, whether physical, emotional, or psychological.

The Impact of Attachment Wounds

When our attachment needs aren’t met in childhood, we develop unconscious survival strategies to cope, such as people-pleasing, avoidance, perfectionism, or emotional suppression. These patterns often persist into adulthood, making it difficult to form secure, trusting relationships.

Common signs of attachment wounds include:

• People-pleasing or difficulty setting boundaries

• Emotional numbness or disconnection from one’s needs

• Self-sabotage in relationships

• Perfectionism and over-responsibility

• Intense emotional flashbacks (feeling like a helpless child in adult situations)

• Chronic guilt and feeling like a burden

• Fear of abandonment or rejection

• Struggles with emotional intimacy and trust

• Difficulty setting or maintaining boundaries

• Feeling “not enough” or unworthy of love

• Deep loneliness, even in relationships

• Repeating unhealthy relationship patterns

• Chronic self-doubt or shame

These symptoms are not character flaws—they are survival strategies that were necessary in childhood. However, as adults, these patterns can hold us back from true connection and self-acceptance.

When we grow up in dysfunctional families—whether due to alcoholism, emotional immaturity, mental illness, or other forms of instability—we don’t always get the secure foundation we need to thrive. Instead, we learn to adapt, often at the cost of our own well-being. These early wounds can shape our self-worth, relationships, and ability to feel safe in the world.

For some this might lead to attachment wounds and varying levels of Complex PTSD (C-PTSD)—a condition that arises from ongoing relational trauma, often in childhood. Unlike single-event trauma (such as a car accident or natural disaster), C-PTSD results from chronic, repeated exposure to emotional pain or instability, especially in relationships with caregivers.

What We Needed in Childhood for Healthy Attachment: Our compass for healing in adulthood

For secure attachment to develop, children (and healing adults) need:

✔ Good boundaries – structure and safety, not control or enmeshment

✔ Respectful interactions – being treated with kindness, not ridicule or dismissal

✔ Freedom to individuate – the ability to explore who they are without fear of rejection

✔ Unconditional acceptance – knowing they don’t have to earn love

✔ Help soothing painful emotions – caregivers who help them regulate big feelings

✔ Help processing grief and loss – support through life’s inevitable disappointments

✔ Attuned responses – caregivers who notice and respond to their emotional needs

✔ Warm affection – consistent love, comfort, and physical touch

✔ Encouragement – being seen and supported in their uniqueness

✔ Reassurance – knowing they are loved even when they struggle

✔ Rupture and repair – caregivers who apologize and restore trust after conflicts

✔ Loving correction – guidance without shame or harshness

When these needs aren’t met, we often enter adulthood with deep emotional gaps—still searching for the security, love, and validation we never received. Healing means learning how to meet these needs in adulthood in ways that nurture and empower us.

How EMDR and Parts Work Can Help

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a powerful therapy designed to help process unresolved trauma and rewire negative beliefs. When EMDR is combined with Parts Work, which comes from Internal Family Systems (IFS), or Ego States, it can be a smoother and more effective path for healing attachment wounds.

What is Parts Work?

Parts Work recognizes that we are made up of different “parts” that developed to help us survive. Some of the common parts adults with attachment wounds may experience are:

• The Perfectionist – believes that being perfect is the only way to earn love

• The Inner Critic – repeats the harsh messages we internalized from caregivers

• The People-Pleaser – avoids rejection by prioritizing others’ needs over our own

• The Wounded Child – holds deep pain, fear, or loneliness from early experiences

• The Disconnector – keeps us numb, detached, or defensive to avoid being hurt again

These parts are not mistakes — they help us in unsafe or unpredictable environments in childhood. However, in adulthood, they might repeat old ways of survival that contribute to feeling stuck in present day life and relationships.

How EMDR with Parts Work Supports Healing

1. Identifying Core Wounds and Negative Beliefs

   • EMDR helps pinpoint the memories and beliefs that shaped how we see ourselves (“I am unlovable,” “I have to earn love,” “I can’t trust anyone”).

   • Parts Work helps us recognize which parts of us are holding onto these beliefs and why.

2. Processing Trauma with EMDR

   • EMDR with parts work helps to gently digest past trauma.

   • EMDR incorporates bilateral stimulation (right to left movements, tapping, or sound) to help the brain reprocess painful memories so they no longer feel overwhelming.

   • This allows us to release stuck emotional pain from childhood experiences that shaped our attachment wounds and access our more adult adaptive information.

3. Listening to and Healing Our Parts

   • Instead of fighting or ignoring our wounded inner child, Parts Work allows us to connect with parts that prevent us from accessing pain (called protector parts) before diving right in. This builds trust and understanding in your system, first.

   • The inner child can then step forward to receive the love and reassurance it needed most but never got.

   • We learn to build a compassionate relationship with the parts of us that developed unhealthy coping mechanisms.

4. Installing New, Empowering Beliefs

   • Once old wounds are processed, EMDR helps replace limiting beliefs with new truths: “I am worthy of love,” “I am safe in relationships,” “I am allowed to have boundaries.”

   • Parts Work ensures that all aspects of us feel safe embracing these new beliefs.

Moving Toward Healing

Healing attachment wounds isn’t about blaming the past—it’s about recognizing what we needed, understanding how we adapted, and creating new conditions for safety and connection in adulthood.

With EMDR and Parts Work, we can:

1. Process unresolved emotional pain

2. Rebuild a secure relationship with ourselves

3.  Learn to meet our own emotional needs in healthy ways

4.  Break free from old survival patterns

5.  Develop relationships based on trust and authenticity

If you resonate with these struggles, know this: You are not broken. You adapted to survive. And with the right tools, you can heal and create a life where you feel loved, seen, and safe.

If working with a therapist who specializes in helping adults heal attachment wounds sounds like the right fit for you, you can schedule a free consultation here. 

More Reading: 

Understanding Trauma: Symptoms and Healing

How EMDR Can Help With Negative Thoughts

What’s My Family Got to Do With It?: Understanding the Influence of Family Dynamics

Authorship: This blog was written by Morgan Levine, LCSW.  Morgan Levine (licensed in MD, DC, VA, PA, and CO) specializes in intensive EMDR and IFS-Informed EMDR virtually or in-person in her office or in Immersive Intensive Retreats. She’s passionate about working with adults who want to heal from perfectionism, overworking, anxiety, depression, PTSD, ADHD, obsessions and compulsions, relationship issues, CPTSD, use of substances or people, attachment wounds, and specific trauma events.

Disclaimer: The information in this blog is provided for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for mental health care nor a recommendation or endorsement for any particular treatment plan, organization, provider, professional service, or product. The information may change without notice. No claims, promises, or guarantees are made about the completeness, accuracy, currency, content or quality of information linked. You assume all responsibility and risk for any use of the information.

IFS EMDR Therapy Group is an outpatient therapy group founded by Morgan Levine. We specialize in helping adults struggling with the effects of living in dysfunctional systems move toward healing and wholeness. We provide therapy to address symptoms such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, grief, obsessive and compulsive thoughts and behaviors including but not limited to using work, perfectionism, substances, relationships, food, etc. We offer ongoing support as well as EMDR intensives; both of which are informed by IFS, EMDR, DBT, CBT, Polyvagal Theory, trauma-informed yoga, attachment, and other recovery principles. Our therapists work virtually with clients living throughout Maryland, Washington D.C., Virginia, Pennsylvania, Colorado and Florida.  Morgan Levine also provides trauma-informed consultation to therapists worldwide.

Keywords: Therapy, Trauma Therapy, Complex PTSD, Family Dynamics, Patterns, Perfectionism, People-Pleasing, Anxiety, Shame, EMDR Therapy, IFS Therapy, Parts Work, Healthy Relationships