Breaking Free from People-Pleasing: How Childhood Parent Pleasing Shapes Codependency and Steps to Heal
People-pleasing is a behavior pattern in which individuals prioritize others’ needs, desires, or approval over their own well-being and emotional health. These patterns are often driven by a fear of rejection, conflict, or disappointing others. They typically begin in childhood when a child learns to be a “parent pleaser” to gain approval and affection or to avoid conflict. This tendency can lead to feelings of resentment, burnout, and a lack of self-identity, known as codependency, characterized by an excessive reliance on others for validation and self-worth.
Origins in Childhood
In a dysfunctional family environment, children may not learn to express their own needs or emotions. Instead, they may prioritize their parents' needs over their own, suppressing their feelings to maintain harmony. This dynamic promotes codependent traits such as low self-esteem, people-pleasing behaviors, and weak boundaries. As adults, you might still seek approval from others, struggle to identify or communicate vulnerable feelings, and find it challenging to say no or establish healthy limits, often at your own expense.
Impact on Individuals and Relationships
People-pleasers often struggle to set boundaries, leading to feelings of resentment and burnout. Their relationships may become unbalanced, with one person assuming the caretaker role or managing high levels of stress, which can perpetuate unhealthy dynamics. This imbalance can hinder personal growth for both individuals in the relationship and lead to dissatisfaction in their connections.
Healing Through Codependency Recovery
Recovery involves recognizing and changing these ingrained patterns. In her book, Codependent No More, Melody Beattie highlights the significance of self-care and setting healthy boundaries. She writes, “The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.” By acknowledging codependent behaviors, individuals can start to make intentional changes.
Nedra Glover Tawwab, a prominent therapist and author, also discusses codependency. In her book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, she states, “A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.” Tawwab emphasizes that boundaries are vital for emotional and mental health, that saying “no” is an essential act of self-care, that clear and direct communication is important for effectively setting boundaries, and that learning to avoid reacting to or managing others’ feelings when establishing boundaries are crucial steps toward healthier relationships.
Practical Steps to Overcome People-Pleasing
1. Self-Awareness: Reflect on your behaviors and identify patterns where you prioritize others’ needs over your own.
2. Seek Support: Consider therapy or support groups to understand your people-pleasing parts and to focus on codependency recovery
3. Set Boundaries: Learn to say no and establish limits that protect your well-being.
4. Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that nurture your physical and emotional health.
5. Develop Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understand that your needs are valid. Healthy Treat yourself with kindness and recognize that your needs are valid. Healthy relationships are built on self-compassion, and good boundaries are those we establish based on that foundation.
Implementing these steps and drawing on insights from experts like Melody Beattie and Nedra Glover Tawwab can help individuals break free from people-pleasing patterns, leading to healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life.
Authorship: This blog was written by Morgan Levine, LCSW. Morgan Levine (licensed in MD, DC, VA, PA, CO, and FL) specializes in intensive EMDR and IFS-Informed EMDR virtually or in-person in her office or in Immersive Intensive Retreats. She’s passionate about working with adults who want to heal from perfectionism, overworking, anxiety, depression, PTSD, ADHD, obsessions and compulsions, relationship issues, CPTSD, use of substances or people, attachment wounds, and specific trauma events.
Disclaimer: The information in this blog is provided for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for mental health care or a recommendation or endorsement for any treatment plan, organization, provider, professional service, or product. The information may change without notice. No claims, promises, or guarantees are made about the completeness, accuracy, currency, content, or quality of the information linked. You assume all responsibility and risk for any use of the information.
IFS EMDR Therapy Group is an outpatient therapy group founded by Morgan Levine. We specialize in helping adults struggling with the effects of living in dysfunctional systems move toward healing and wholeness. We provide therapy to address symptoms such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, grief, obsessive and compulsive thoughts and behaviors, including but not limited to using work, perfectionism, substances, relationships, food, etc. We offer ongoing support and EMDR intensives, which are informed by IFS, EMDR, DBT, CBT, Polyvagal Theory, trauma-informed yoga, attachment, and other recovery principles. Our therapists work virtually with clients throughout Maryland, Washington D.C., Virginia, Pennsylvania, Colorado, and Florida. Morgan Levine also provides trauma-informed consultation to therapists worldwide.
