Breaking Free from People-Pleasing
How Childhood Parent-Pleasing Shapes Codependency—and How Healing Begins
Last updated December 27, 2025
People-pleasing is often misunderstood as being “too nice” or overly accommodating. In reality, it’s a learned survival strategy—one that often begins in childhood and quietly shapes adult relationships, boundaries, and self-worth.
If you find yourself saying yes when you want to say no, prioritizing others’ comfort over your own needs, or feeling responsible for others’ emotions, you’re not broken. Your nervous system learned what it needed to survive.
This article explores:
What people-pleasing really is
How childhood parent-pleasing leads to codependency
How these patterns affect adult relationships
Trauma-informed steps toward healing and change
What Is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is a behavioral pattern where someone prioritizes others’ needs, approval, or emotional comfort at the expense of their own.
It’s often driven by:
Fear of conflict or rejection
Anxiety about disappointing others
A belief that love must be earned
Hyper-attunement to others’ moods or needs
Over time, people-pleasing can lead to:
Chronic burnout
Resentment
Loss of self-identity
Difficulty knowing what you actually want
When these patterns become entrenched, they’re often described as codependency—an excessive reliance on others for validation, worth, or emotional stability.
Where People-Pleasing Begins: Childhood Parent-Pleasing
Many people-pleasers were once parent-pleasing children.
In families where caregivers were:
Emotionally unavailable
Overwhelmed or struggling themselves
Unpredictable, critical, or emotionally immature
…children often learned that their safety or connection depended on being “easy,” helpful, or emotionally invisible.
Instead of learning:
“My needs matter”
“I can express discomfort safely”
They learned:
“I must keep the peace”
“I shouldn’t need too much”
“Other people’s feelings come first”
These adaptations made sense then. The problem is that they often follow us into adulthood, long after the original danger has passed.
How People-Pleasing Impacts Adult Relationships
In adult relationships, people-pleasing often shows up as:
Difficulty setting or maintaining boundaries
Over-functioning or caretaking roles
Fear of disappointing partners, friends, or colleagues
Resentment that builds beneath the surface
Feeling unseen or emotionally exhausted
Relationships can become unbalanced, with one person carrying the emotional labor while suppressing their own needs. Over time, this dynamic can limit intimacy, authenticity, and mutual growth.
Understanding Codependency Through a Trauma-Informed Lens
Codependency is not a character flaw—it’s a relational trauma response.
In her classic book Codependent No More, Melody Beattie writes:
“The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.”
Awareness allows us to notice patterns without judgment. Acceptance creates room for change without shame.
Similarly, therapist and author Nedra Glover Tawwab emphasizes the role of boundaries in healing. In Set Boundaries, Find Peace, she writes:
“A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.”
From a trauma-informed perspective, boundaries are not about control—they’re about safety, clarity, and self-respect.
Practical, Trauma-Informed Steps Toward Healing
Healing from people-pleasing doesn’t mean becoming uncaring or rigid. It means learning to relate to others without abandoning yourself.
Here are gentle starting points:
1. Build Self-Awareness
Begin noticing when you override your own needs. Ask:
What am I afraid would happen if I said no?
Whose feelings feel more important right now?
2. Seek Support
Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you understand the parts of you that learned to please to stay safe, and offer them new options.
3. Practice Boundaries Gradually
Boundaries don’t have to be harsh or sudden. Start small:
Pausing before responding
Offering a “let me get back to you”
Saying no without over-explaining
4. Reconnect with Your Needs
Self-care isn’t indulgent—it’s reparative. Begin asking:
What do I need right now?
What would feel supportive in this moment?
5. Cultivate Self-Compassion
People-pleasing developed for a reason. Healing happens faster when we meet ourselves with curiosity instead of criticism.
How Therapy Can Help You Break the Pattern
At IFS EMDR Therapy Group, we view people-pleasing through a nervous-system- and parts-informed lens.
Our work helps clients:
Understand the protective role of people-pleasing
Build internal safety and self-trust
Practice boundaries without guilt or overwhelm
Process underlying attachment and relational trauma
We integrate IFS-informed EMDR, which allows healing to happen without forcing change or retraumatization.
⬇️Schedule a free consultation to explore whether this approach feels like a fit.⬇️
You Don’t Have to Keep Earning Safety
Breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t about becoming selfish—it’s about becoming whole.
When you no longer have to earn connection by abandoning yourself, relationships can become more mutual, honest, and nourishing. Healing is possible—and it doesn’t require doing it alone.
About the Author
This post was written by Morgan Levine, LCSW a licensed trauma therapist in Maryland, Washington DC, Virginia, Pennsylvania, and Colorado. Morgan is a Certified EMDR Therapist specializing in IFS-Informed EMDR and EMDR Intensives—including in-person immersive retreats and virtual multi-day formats.
She helps adults who feel “stuck” in therapy find deeper, lasting change by addressing the roots of perfectionism, overworking, anxiety, depression, PTSD, ADHD, obsessive or compulsive patterns, attachment wounds, and complex or single-incident trauma.
Learn more at ifsemdrtherapy.com/emdr-intensives.
Disclaimer: The information in this blog is provided for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for mental health care or a recommendation or endorsement for any treatment plan, organization, provider, professional service, or product. The information may change without notice. No claims, promises, or guarantees are made about the completeness, accuracy, currency, content, or quality of the information linked. You assume all responsibility and risk for any use of the information.
IFS EMDR Therapy Group is an outpatient therapy group founded by Morgan Levine. We specialize in helping adults struggling with the effects of living in dysfunctional systems move toward healing and wholeness. We provide therapy to address symptoms such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, grief, obsessive and compulsive thoughts and behaviors, including but not limited to using work, perfectionism, substances, relationships, food, etc. We offer ongoing support and EMDR intensives, which are informed by IFS, EMDR, DBT, CBT, Polyvagal Theory, trauma-informed yoga, attachment, and other recovery principles. Our therapists work virtually with clients throughout Maryland, Washington D.C., Virginia, Pennsylvania, and Colorado. Morgan Levine also provides trauma-informed consultation to therapists worldwide.
